When the World Breaks Open Written Response
Seema Reza writes in her introduction, "I have been wading into the murkiness of memory and extracting what I need to survive to make sense of what I am living." These words immediately evoke for me Adrienne Rich's poem "Diving Into the Wreck," and the fundamentally feminist process of returning over and over again to one's own past in order to understand what one needs for one's future. To formulate one's goals, to re-imagine one's self. This line equally sets the stage for her memoir by explaining her rationale for writing it, and explains to the reader what we must look for in the writing.
Reza's "how-to" guides scattered throughout the story are somewhat tongue-in-cheek, but they are equally an attempt to summarize the wisdom she has gained by journey into her immediate and more distant past to extract this story. In 'Instructions,' Reza writes, "be cautious. Not everyone has your best interests at heart. This is not paranoia" (56). Although Reza's instructions are not inherently confined by gender, they do strike to the heart of what is required for women to survive in this world and society. She speaks of what she has found meaningful in her own life, and of the suffering that comes with that--when "your heart is heavy with stories" (57). Many of Reza's writing similarly includes both the joys and difficulties of working with students she loves yet whose stories she finds unbearably heart-wrenching. Reza nonetheless implores readers to expand into that realm, to go where difficult and magical and transformative and horrific things are happening. To endure the tragedies of others as a form of strengthening oneself and the student against these things happening again.
Reza's inclusion of specific elements of her family's past does not detract from her own story. Her choice not to tell this story in a linear manner prevents the narrative getting bogged down in stories of her parents or grandparents. Nonetheless, these details underline the strength of Reza's growing understanding that her family includes many women who have had to keep their children healthy and themselves whole all by themselves, many women who have been betrayed or cheated on or abused. This seems to provide a certain sense of comfort and inspiration to Reza, as well as clarity about exactly what she is struggling so hard to overcome in herself in order to find happiness.
Reza's story was frustrating because, in spite of her hard work and obviously noble spirit, she does not find happiness in the classic manner. Her husband quickly finds another woman, someone more submissive and, suspects Reza, someone willing to manage his temper using strategies Reza would not stoop to. Reza herself moves from lover to lover, always feeling the tension between seeking an escape from loneliness yet desperately wanting time alone. Even her relationship with her sons slowly grows fraught as they balk at her attempts to institute order rather than permit them to play and do video games and exist in a space without rules, as Reza's ex-husband does in order to win the children's favor.
Reza nonetheless finds tremendous fulfillment in her life's work. Here she finds passion and joy, and a sense of belonging in the world. Here she begins to exercise her own power and to develop authority without using it in the abusive ways the women in her family have, as well as her ex-husband has.
Reza's choice of a non-linear narrative opened space for the complexity of her relationship with her husband to come fully into view. While my domestic violence advocacy background made me bristle at her willingness to accept blame for his loss of control, her words did make it clear that she was addicted to the drama of their relationship, that she mistook it for passion. The loss of their second child to a series of birth defects resulting from low amniotic fluid, culminating in Reza's choice to end the pregnancy, also knitted their relationship together.
Like many abusive men, Reza's ex-husband often presented the front of a "great dad and caring husband," as she wrote in her email to herself (37). He hit her while she held Sam on her lap, hit her ribs and her back, as she tells us, yet she could not bring herself to leave. Pressure from her mother to maintain the marriage coincided with an acceptance of Karim's statements that Reza was somehow to blame. Tellingly, it was only when Karim attacked one of Reza's friends that she was able to commit to leaving.
In so many ways, this book seems a reclamation of Reza's own narrative about her relationship with Karim. I do not fully accept her as a reliable narrator regarding that relationship, for the simple reason that her language displays signs of shock and an unwillingness to recognize how dangerous his behavior actually was. Nonetheless, it is clearly vital for her to dig into her past and essentially "prove" to herself that she is as trustworthy as he is, that she is worth listening to and worth believing. Thus when she says that she and Karim are always remembering things differently, she's not speaking just of little things like whether their therapist or Reza first insisted on divorce; in truth, they argue about whether he is at all to blame, or whether she somehow caused it all. Whether she deserves to be happy, whether the little voice in her head when her later romances end is correct.
Her writing made me sympathize with Reza deeply. She is not correct. Karim is not correct. Happiness found her.
-Ariadne Wolf
Reza's "how-to" guides scattered throughout the story are somewhat tongue-in-cheek, but they are equally an attempt to summarize the wisdom she has gained by journey into her immediate and more distant past to extract this story. In 'Instructions,' Reza writes, "be cautious. Not everyone has your best interests at heart. This is not paranoia" (56). Although Reza's instructions are not inherently confined by gender, they do strike to the heart of what is required for women to survive in this world and society. She speaks of what she has found meaningful in her own life, and of the suffering that comes with that--when "your heart is heavy with stories" (57). Many of Reza's writing similarly includes both the joys and difficulties of working with students she loves yet whose stories she finds unbearably heart-wrenching. Reza nonetheless implores readers to expand into that realm, to go where difficult and magical and transformative and horrific things are happening. To endure the tragedies of others as a form of strengthening oneself and the student against these things happening again.
Reza's inclusion of specific elements of her family's past does not detract from her own story. Her choice not to tell this story in a linear manner prevents the narrative getting bogged down in stories of her parents or grandparents. Nonetheless, these details underline the strength of Reza's growing understanding that her family includes many women who have had to keep their children healthy and themselves whole all by themselves, many women who have been betrayed or cheated on or abused. This seems to provide a certain sense of comfort and inspiration to Reza, as well as clarity about exactly what she is struggling so hard to overcome in herself in order to find happiness.
Reza's story was frustrating because, in spite of her hard work and obviously noble spirit, she does not find happiness in the classic manner. Her husband quickly finds another woman, someone more submissive and, suspects Reza, someone willing to manage his temper using strategies Reza would not stoop to. Reza herself moves from lover to lover, always feeling the tension between seeking an escape from loneliness yet desperately wanting time alone. Even her relationship with her sons slowly grows fraught as they balk at her attempts to institute order rather than permit them to play and do video games and exist in a space without rules, as Reza's ex-husband does in order to win the children's favor.
Reza nonetheless finds tremendous fulfillment in her life's work. Here she finds passion and joy, and a sense of belonging in the world. Here she begins to exercise her own power and to develop authority without using it in the abusive ways the women in her family have, as well as her ex-husband has.
Reza's choice of a non-linear narrative opened space for the complexity of her relationship with her husband to come fully into view. While my domestic violence advocacy background made me bristle at her willingness to accept blame for his loss of control, her words did make it clear that she was addicted to the drama of their relationship, that she mistook it for passion. The loss of their second child to a series of birth defects resulting from low amniotic fluid, culminating in Reza's choice to end the pregnancy, also knitted their relationship together.
Like many abusive men, Reza's ex-husband often presented the front of a "great dad and caring husband," as she wrote in her email to herself (37). He hit her while she held Sam on her lap, hit her ribs and her back, as she tells us, yet she could not bring herself to leave. Pressure from her mother to maintain the marriage coincided with an acceptance of Karim's statements that Reza was somehow to blame. Tellingly, it was only when Karim attacked one of Reza's friends that she was able to commit to leaving.
In so many ways, this book seems a reclamation of Reza's own narrative about her relationship with Karim. I do not fully accept her as a reliable narrator regarding that relationship, for the simple reason that her language displays signs of shock and an unwillingness to recognize how dangerous his behavior actually was. Nonetheless, it is clearly vital for her to dig into her past and essentially "prove" to herself that she is as trustworthy as he is, that she is worth listening to and worth believing. Thus when she says that she and Karim are always remembering things differently, she's not speaking just of little things like whether their therapist or Reza first insisted on divorce; in truth, they argue about whether he is at all to blame, or whether she somehow caused it all. Whether she deserves to be happy, whether the little voice in her head when her later romances end is correct.
Her writing made me sympathize with Reza deeply. She is not correct. Karim is not correct. Happiness found her.
-Ariadne Wolf
I think it's interesting that you found the memoir frustrating in that Reza didn't traditionally find happiness by the end of her story. I felt similarly, and then I realized that Reza is really working on loving herself. I agree that the book is largely Reza reclaiming her abusive relationship, since I viewed that relationship as the main reason as to why she has so many self-esteem issues. I think that even though she is not in a perfect place at the end of the story - she's struggling with her children and not in any stable romantic relationship - she seems to come to the conclusion that people love her for who she is, and that it's okay if she isn't the perfect mother, wife, daughter, etc. And like you say that the memoir deals with many feminist issues, I think self-love is also inherently a feminist issue, especially in terms of motherhood and marriage.
ReplyDeleteI love how you talk about re-imagination in your response. This is very important work to those who are surviving grief and trauma. I think Seema does an amazing job of this by speaking about her grief and trauma in her own words, using her own perspective and thereby giving herself more power over the things she can control. I agree with you, I do think this book was a reclamation of her past. And I think the reader can often times feel that in each one of her chapters. Great response!
ReplyDeleteAri, you find elements of battling understanding in this book, as she is deliberate in having abuse amnesia on and off in the book. The non-linearity does stratify the actual actions in the way that keep them in the emotional realm.
ReplyDeletee