Disrupting the Peace

           This book first struck me as incredibly unique and a real triumph in first person narrative.  I can honestly say I’ve never read a book like this before.  I admire the author and what she was able to achieve and keep up for a whole book.  As the book progressed I started to feel more and more exhausted, I felt trapped in the main character’s mind.  It was often a draining and very physical experience.  I was very involved with the story, Helen is not boring and stays in your face through out the whole story.  I’m still stewing over how I feel about this book and the experience of reading it.  It was very difficult to read at times, but the writing was very good.  There were times when I didn’t want to have her voice in my head anymore.  But I was still interested in what was happening.  It was an unusual mix of interest and discomfort.  Reading this book wasn’t always pleasurable, but I did feel compelled to keep reading.
            At times I didn’t feel like I was reading about someone who was going through a loss.  Helen has her own problems but she can also be self-centered.  Her main coping mechanism is giving herself a job around her brother’s death.  She decides to investigate his death.  Although her investigation ends with his suicide note explaining why he did what he did, her investigate explores a lot of her surroundings and past.  Helen’s attention is usually on what’s right in front of her, this physical experience then leads to a memory.  Either of her own history or what she remembers of her brother.  In this way we get snippets of the contradictions that make up Helen and a partial portrait of her brother.  How she deals with her past and present is deeply instinctual and largely depends on her feelings at a given time.  As she has an undiagnosed disorder, it can be difficult for her to navigate her surroundings.  Even having a conversation with her parents is quite difficult.  Unfortunately, her parents only pray for her, they offer her no other help, at this time or when she was younger.  They also blame her for her behavior, creating a huge, uncomfortable space between parent and child.  What I remember most about her time at her parents are the tasks she took on by herself.  I can smell the bleach and insecticide as she over uses them and turns them both to poison.  I get hungry as she down a whole cake.  All these things relate to how she sees the world and how she tries to fix it.  She lives through her senses, she can’t quite rely on her mind in the same way the other characters can, and uses feedback from the world around her to make decisions.  She tries to give support to her parents.  She tries to preserve the flowers with bleach.  She tries to calm the youth she looks after with marijuana.  All of these things seem right at the time, as Helen is following her instincts and senses.  She has little else to count on, and so fully commits to these feelings, they’re the only guide she trusts. 

            Helen’s brother’s letter answers a lot of questions.  It’s hard to believe all of Helen’s memories and conclusions, so it was nice to double-check some facts with his recollection.  He talks about losing his will to live as a teenager, never believing in himself, and his failure to become a living organ donor.  A lot of what Helen described about him was true, but these words from him make it seem very clear and real.  At the end of the book Helen has completed her investigation, she knows now why her brother killed himself, and she has personally decided that what he did was the right thing, maybe the only thing he has ever done for himself.  It’s sad to think of suicide like this, it’s not a comforting thought, especially when someone feels that’s the only control they have over their lives.  Helen’s brother seemed to be in some kind of rut, but what could have helped him is unclear, especially since he seems to have been struggling with this for a long time.  Interestingly, his parents did send him to a therapist while Helen seems to have been branded as acting out.  It’s clear Helen’s future is uncertain, even after having been cleared at her work, but in a way she is a survivor in this story.  I know she will figure it out and make due with what she has.  Her brother may have been at an advantage, but without his will to live, he couldn’t keep going.  Helen trusts herself, her sense of purpose, her instincts, her senses, to find her way in the world.    
-Iris Keenan

Comments

  1. AnonymousSeptember 11, 2017 at 8:31 PM

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts about how Helen effected you. Her narrative voice and personality are, as you observe, very strong and often in your face. Despite her acute awareness of the world around her, she can also be extremely defensive and disruptive, as shown in her relationship to her boss and her adoptive parents. Although her outer toughness is clearly what she needs to do to protect herself and survive in a world where she feels so different and misunderstood, her attitude isn't necessarily easy to be around. Personally, I don't know if I'd want to hang out with her! but I respect her strength and survival skills. Later, as the book unfolds, we see more of her heart, her empathy and her drive to be ethical. I wondered if -- as is often true -- she is actually an observant, sensitive woman who, after growing up without the support of her parents, and decades of hurt, disappointment and alienation, has had to become defensive and tough in order to protect her vulnerability and survive. Your observations about Helen's complicated personality raise many questions about her history and her true character, and help to illustrate the themes of identity and alienation that permeate the book.
    Thank you!

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  2. ElmazwritesSeptember 12, 2017 at 10:03 AM

    I consider a triumph when an author provides a variety of reactions in the reader, causing an ambivalent response. No heroines here, as you state, and deep immersion in dysfunction. You get to the sensory observations and they are very clear. Good work,
    E

    ReplyDelete
  3. AnonymousSeptember 12, 2017 at 11:37 PM

    Hi Iris,

    You know, I had a very similar reaction to this book. The subject matter in and of itself is very serious, and carries with it a heavy emotional quality that is difficult to get through, especially if you’ve never had any previous exposure to a literary portrayal of suicide. What you said in your introduction, “It was an usual mix of interest and discomfort,” describes my feelings as well, and at times I felt as though it was a challenge to stay with the narrative as it delved into those dark and disturbing places of the human psyche.

    I also agree with your conclusion, i.e. that Helen has a great amount of faith in herself. In retrospect, I think that’s one of the only things that keeps her going, this inbuilt faith in her skills of helpfulness and organization, so that rather than contemplate the abyss, she actively moves through it, harnessing her despair in way that gives her energy and purpose.

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